Not quite as Disgusting as GG, but as close as I'll ever come.

It’s tough being a kid. It’s especially tough being a small, scrawny kid in a small world of big kids. That was my reality as a child, being a weird little scrawny kid. Children bore easily, they need constant stimulation or else they might just lose interest and go find some trouble to get into. Boys do this a lot. Get bored and then in trouble, that is. When I was coming up, we didn’t have video games and computers to keep us inside all day long, we had to go outside to find our stimulation and our fair share of trouble. Although I never got into any real trouble as a kid, I got bored a lot and found as much trouble as I wanted. And I didn’t have to look too far for this trouble either, I had an older brother.


My brother is 21 months older than me, and when I was a kid, I really looked up to him. I wanted to be just like him, and when I was a toddler I bugged the shit out of this kid by following him around everywhere he went. He could always look over his shoulder to find me staring up at him in admiration. Hell, I even followed him to the bathroom to watch him take a piss. My mom credits my older brother with potty-training me. I don’t know if he really did or didn’t, because I was only 3 years old and I have no memory of such things, but I’m sure my mom would never lie to me about something like that, so I will accept her testimony.


When I was about 9 or 10 years old, I used to hang out with a kid that lived down the street from me named Jonathan. I thought Jonathan was a complete dork who liked to complain and whine a lot, but he was about the only kid around my same age that I could play with. He was a couple of years younger than me, so we didn’t always have the same interests, but like I said, I didn’t have a lot of potential friends at that time, so Jonathan was my neighborhood friend.


My older brother didn’t play with me and Jonathan, he was too old and too cool to hang with us, so he hung out with his friend Ritchie. Ritchie was a few months older or younger than my brother, I can’t remember which, but if I had to describe the Ritchie I knew back then, I’d describe him as a douche canoe that had some possible bonding issues with people and perhaps some possible issues with not being shown enough love as an infant or toddler. I would also describe him as a complete motherfucker. But as a child of 9 or 10 years old, I just thought he was mean because, although my brother picked on me a lot, Ritchie got down right brutal with me and I hated him for it. Ritchie wore glasses and his Red hair and freckles were deceiving at first look. He looked like a well behaved little nerdy kid, but in reality, he was a calculating bully, and I looked for every reason I could to make him suffer as he had made me suffer on a daily basis. I would get my revenge on my brother too, but I never wished him the suffering I wished upon Ritchie. After all, I wasn’t a monster; I was just a little kid who couldn’t adequately defend himself against these two bullies in my life.


One day my brother and his sadistic sidekick acquired some water guns and came in to my bedroom bragging about them. They thought their guns were awesome because they could shoot really far or something. I wasn’t impressed, so I probably talked shit about them and told them to leave. But because my adversaries thought they were all big and tough with their new water guns, they challenged me and Jonathan to a water gun battle. I didn’t have a water gun, but I figured Jonathan probably did, so I agreed and said "I’ll be right back!"


I ran down the street to Jonathan’s house as fast as I could and knocked on his door. Jonathan appeared, and as I was still catching my breath, I said “Hey,….get your water guns!"



"What? I don’t have any water guns! Why do we need water guns?"


I explained to Jonathan why we needed water guns and he still maintained that he had none.


"Let’s go look in your garage, maybe you have something in there we can use," I said.


We went to the garage and started looking around. Jonathan’s garage was mostly filled with junk. It was hard to know what to look for in there.
"You find anything yet?" I asked.


Jonathan would hold up something completely useless and say, "I found this!"


And I would tell him that item wouldn’t work and then say,” Keep looking!"


We looked for some time before we found what would eventually amount to the ultimate weapon my arsenal had ever seen. Sitting on a make-shift shelf next to a rusty coffee can of nails were 2 empty, clear spray bottles.



“Hey look! Can we use these?” I asked.



Jonathan didn’t know if we could or couldn’t use them, but he said, “Yeah.”



We took the spray bottles to the kitchen sink and filled them with water. I twisted the nozzles of the bottles from “mist” to “spray” and admired the distance that could be achieved with a single pump of the trigger. And then, something in me just snapped. Maybe I was just sick of being tortured by my brother and his evil friend or maybe the hatred and anger I had been suppressing had finally decided to surface, I don’t know, but what I do know is this: I turned to Jonathan and said, “Let’s piss in these bottles. Let’s shoot piss at them.”



Yes, I know what you’re thinking, this is beyond sick. This is some GG Allin shit! This is god awful! And yes, you are right, it is. I have no defense, but I’m not going to pretend this didn’t happen and for better or worse, here’s what happened next.



I unscrewed the top of my spray bottle and went to the bathroom and filled my spray bottle full of yellow, stinky piss. I then left the bathroom and said to Jonathan,”Ok, go fill yours up.”



He did, and when he returned, his bottle was about half full. Jonathan’s piss was clear and I remember thinking that was a good thing. To the naked eye, the bottle appeared to be filled with water. Our adversaries would have no idea what they were about to get hit with.



Like a true leader of a revolution, I thought I better prepare my soldier for the events that were to take place as a result of our malicious attack.



I said to him,” You know we’ll get beat up for this, right? It’ll be worth it though. You take my brother and I’ll take Ritchie.”



We raced back to my house, and as we neared the front porch, Jonathan positioned himself in front with his bottle of clear, water(piss) and I followed closely with my bottle of Yellow stink. Sometimes Jonathan’s stupidity could be mistaken for courage, and on this day I thought him courageous.



“You ready?” I asked quietly.



“Ready.” Jonathan said.



We barged through the front door scanning the house in all directions for movement of any kind. As I turned the corner of the living room, I spotted my brother and Ritchie at the kitchen sink.



“There they are!” I said. They turned to face us with a startled gaze that said “Oh shit! We aren’t ready yet!”



My brother was the first to get hit. Jonathan had shot him in the center of his chest, marking his t-shirt with a wet spot. I was not concerned with the accuracy of my marksmanship though. I just went ballistic, shooting piss all over my brother and his friend. And then, sticking to my original agreement with Jonathan, I focused my attention on Ritchie. And in a matter of seconds, Ritchie’s clothes, hair, and glasses were completely soiled and stinking . Things were happening so fast that it took the enemy a while to figure out that they were just shooting water and we were shooting piss. Once the harsh reality of the situation really took hold, Ritchie’s mouth hung open in astonishment, and just like shooting water in the clown’s mouth at a carnival, my trigger finger worked overtime to produce a steady stream, keeping my aim on the hole at the bottom of Ritchie’s face. By now my brother had already overpowered Jonathan and was giving him a beat down right there on the kitchen floor. Jonathan was not a very good soldier. When confronted, he would always roll into a ball on the ground, covering his face. In situations like this, he would often times cry. This situation was no exception and he no longer looked courageous to me. As all this was happening, I was still trying to fill Ritchie's mouth full of my Yellow stank juice, and as I did, I began walking backwards out of the room. I fired off a few more shots before running back out of the house and throwing my weapon into the bushes outside. I couldn't risk Ritchie finding my piss bottle and making me drink my own piss. I would have deserved a taste of my own medicine in that way, but at the same time I knew I too would be crying in a matter of minutes.


I was a fast runner then and if I didn’t smoke a pack a day now, I still would be. But on this day, although I was fast, I wasn’t fast enough, and I knew I wouldn’t be against Ritchie. I knew what my fate was to be on this day. I managed to make it across the street into a neighbor’s yard before being tackled. I remember being tackled in such a way that my head hit the ground really hard. I saw stars at first, and then snapped bak to the reality of Ritchie’s fists swinging as he sat on top of me. I defended myself at first, but Ritchie was much bigger and much stronger. Not only could Ritchie hit hard, but he could also put you in a severe choke hold or make you honestly believe he was going to break your arm. He pulled no punches on this day and gave me all he had. He brought me to tears and before long I was begging him to stop in between gasps fo air.

After the beatings had ceased and Jonathan and I were released back into the neighbor hood, I met back up with my partner in crime to return his spray bottle. Seeing Jonathan sitting on the floor in front of the television that day, I could still see the fear in him and I understood that the events that took place that day would not soon be forgotten. After all, I remember this day still.

Although I’m sure the irony was completely lost on my brother, and can only be revealed now in retrospect, he was once my hero. But on this day, he was the enemy. He once potty trained me and I had repaid this deed by pissing on him and his friend in a fit of anger and revenge. Yes, this is as close as I have ever come to GG, and I know I will never be that close again.

Today my brother and I are friends. We have been friends for quite some time now, although we are only as close as we allow each other to be. But of course, if you’ve read all those words above, you know there was a period of time that we didn’t like each other very much at all. And looking back now, I am relieved to discover that I would never do such things to anyone ever again. Even if I hated them.